The Scars of Your Love
by thebossyleaf
Summary: Regency era AU. Clara is preparing her house for the ball in memory of her mother's birthday. Her father's friends come to stay for a week and they bring with them their niece Amelia, who puts Clara face to face with an impossible choice: her feelings or her duty.
1. Chapter 1

Hello everyone! This Regency era AU is something I've always wanted to do, so please don't kill me if it's terrible; I tried to make it as realistic as possible. Also, I'm just getting started with finals at school, so this isn't going to be very fast, but I'll try to upload at least every two weeks. Hope you like!

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><p>I wake up to the maid pulling back the curtains. The light gets into the room so I pull the covers over my head and bury my face into the pillow.<p>

"Good morning, miss. Mr. Oswald has requested you were awoken early so you would be prepared when the guests arrive."

I realise it's Friday, which means tomorrow night is the ball my father insists on organising for my mother's birthday. She loved balls, and she always took care of every detail so everything would be perfect. After she died, he decided to honour her memory with a ball on her birthday. I never complained because even though balls mean a lot of work for me, I know it makes him happy to see everyone having a nice evening, just like she would have wanted.

I push away the covers and get up -not without a little bit of a fuss-, pulling down my chemise. I pull a light red dress over my head and sit so the maid can fix my hair. There's no time to lose in the hours before a ball, especially when we have guests staying at the house.

Traditionally, I'm too young to be hostess -I'm only eighteen-, but someone has to look after the preparations and my father is certainly not going to do it. At least until the doors open, I run the house.

After lunch, I ask the housekeeper about the guests that will arrive earlier to settle in. My cousin Edmund, my father's friend Sir Arthur and his wife, Lady Desmond, and...

"Miss Amelia Pond?"

"Lady Desmond's niece. She's coming with them as I understand, miss", the housekeeper explains.

"Very well. Make sure their rooms are prepared and call me when they arrive. I'll be at the garden."

She makes a bow and leaves, so I walk to the library and find the book I'm reading to take it outside with me. The large garden is where I spend most of my time, usually reading everything that comes across. As a child, my mother tried to get me interested in drawing, sewing and playing the piano, but I had neither interest nor skills for any of that. She was quite frustrated with me, until she found me at the library reading Romeo and Juliet at twelve years old. After that she allowed me to read whatever I wanted, as long as I continued with my lessons.

Other thing I really enjoy is spending time at the kitchen, watching the cooks work and occasionally helping. It's not proper for a lady in my position to cook, but I can't help it but feel relaxed while baking pastries.

I sit on the grass, reading my novel, but I get distracted by the scenery around me. It's autumn, so the leaves are falling and the gentle wind moves them around. I stare at the quiet river, thinking about how everyone is probably expecting me to start looking for a husband. I can't say I'm very interested in the subject. But then again, no one is asking for my opinion here; the gentleman that appeals more to my father will inevitably become my husband. It's not that I don't trust my father's judgement, but I wish I could have a say.

And besides...well, I shouldn't be saying this, but I find myself more interested in a different kind of company. It's vile and corrupted, but I can't seem to get those ideas out of my head. Wherever those thoughts might come from, it is my duty to push them away and carry on as if none of this had ever occurred to me.

The worst part is, my cousin Edmund is coming to stay for a week. I have known him since we were children, and I know my aunt Lydia has always wanted to pair us. At first I thought he wouldn't be interested, and he would look for a wife elsewhere, but the last time he was here I noticed he had developed certain..._affection_ for me, and it scares me to think he might do something as silly as proposing this time.

I'm thinking about all this when a servant girl comes for me, telling me Sir Arthur's carriage was arriving. I fix my dress and promptly walk to the main entrance to receive them.

The first one to come down is of course Sir Arthur, followed by his wife, who he helps down. I greet both of them as the servants start to get their trunks. They have so many anyone could say they would be staying for a month.

However, a third person comes down from the carriage and gets my full attention. She's a tall, ginger girl with perfectly white skin. Her entire appearance, together with her peach-coloured dress, makes her look like a magical creature out of one of the stories my mother used to tell me.

"Oh, Clara, this is my niece Amelia. We wrote your father to tell him she was coming with us..." Lady Desmond is talking to me, but I almost didn't catch what she said.

"Yes, yes, of course. I just didn't think...well, that she would be..." So beautiful? I should control my words better, I'm being impolite.

"So young? Yes, there's quite an age difference between her mother and I." Lady Desmond doesn't look happy...Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I basically just called her old.

I nod and smile, apologising for my impertinence, but mostly because I don't know what else to say. "Mrs. Hudson will show you to your rooms. Please, do make yourselves at home."

I walk inside the house with them, chatting about their journey. Just after we leave Lady Desmond and her husband at their room, I realise that the room prepared for Miss Amelia was the one next to mine. Now I understand her presence here: she has been placed there to be my friend. I believe my father probably has a hand in it; he has always been worried about my difficulty to make friends, so he saw Amelia as a chance to give me someone to interact with.

I decide to play along with his plan; after all, I wanted to know more about this girl anyway. I wonder who will be lucky enough to have her as a wife.

"I am at the next room. Don't hesitate to call me if you need it." I smile, showing my best hostess' skills. "We're having tea in half an hour, in case you want to eat something."

"Brilliant, I will be there." She gives me a stunning smile and goes into her room. I'm sure back home she has a number of gentlemen hoping to be worthy of her affection.


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry for the long wait! School is still killing me ): I'm sorry I can't say next update'll be faster, but I'll try. Hope you like! Things get a bit more interesting here...

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><p>The afternoon goes by without any interesting events. Except a letter from my cousin, explaining he would arrive the next morning due to an <em>unexpected delay<em>.

That night, I try not to smile at the memory of every joke and every subject I discussed with Amelia. Even with other people in the conversation, we always managed to end up talking to each other.

I can't help it but to feel charmed by her. Her ways may not seem the most polished ones to certain high-class ladies, but to me it gives her an air of freshness I have never found in anyone else. She has the most captivating voice, and somehow she always manages to do the most adorable gestures.

I stare at the wall from where I sit on my bed. I can't stop thinking about Amelia, just on the other side of that wall. Will she be doing the same I'm doing? Will she be thinking about me?…I've never wanted anyone to like me as much as I want her to.

The next day is very similar, with the exception of Edmund arriving just before lunchtime. I greeted him at the main entrance, and unfortunately, I found his affection for me has grown stronger in the months we were apart. He stares at me for longer than he should and he barely even looks at Miss Amelia, which I don't understand under any circumstances.

He talked to my father and Sir Arthur; they laugh and discuss politics and economy. I know my father is very fond of him, but it isn't easy to remain calmed knowing he might be about to ask him for my hand.

I hate to say that I don't want him. He is honestly very handsome -tall, with dark brown hair and light-blue eyes-, I enjoy talking to him and his position is very good indeed -he is my uncle's son, which means he is Marquess of Clare and will someday be Duke of Newcastle.

However, as tempting as being a duchess might be, I want to marry someone I love. My mother married my father because she loved him and she raised me to do the same thing. But every time I chat with Amelia I see that possibility getting further and further away from me.

I think of this as I lay in my bed, still staring at the wall and thinking of her. I don't know what good it does to me to see her in my mind when she is not around and only look at her when she is, but I just can't help it. She fascinates me in a way nothing and no one ever did before.

Suddenly, a knock on the door forces my eyes away from the wall. I get up from the bed and open it. I am very surprised to find the subject of my thoughts on the other side.

"Amelia! What brings you here so late?" My hair is down already and it probably looks like mess of curls around my face; I definitely didn't expect her to see me this way. "Is everything alright?"

"Yes! Yes, quite alright. I was just bored so I decided to leave my room for a little while and I saw the light coming from under your door. I thought might want to keep me company. And please, just call me Amy."

Something tells me I'll do whatever she asks me to do. I smile and open the door to let her in. I notice now that she looks lovely in her dressing gown and with her hair down. "Of course. Amy." Is it strange if I get a joyous feeling when I say it?

We sit on my bed, and discuss a variety of subjects; everything from balls to fashion trends, to food and family. I learn that her parents travelled to America last summer, and she has been living with her aunt -Lady Desmond- ever since. She sounded sad about it. I think she doesn't want to show how hurt she is and how abandoned she feels. She doesn't seem to like her aunt much either.

The conversation quickly deflects to the topic I feared the most: men. As I suspected, she does have quite a long list of men trying to win her heart back home. By the way she talks, it would seem she isn't interested in any of them.

"I need someone that makes me feel something...that gives me a sense of _adventure_...It's silly, isn't it?"

"No! No, of course it isn't." I've read enough books to believe in love, but how will I find it when mine is pointed in the wrong direction?

"But enough of me. Tell me about you, any gentleman worth your thoughts?"

"Uhm...no, not really. I can't say I'm very interested in the subject." I decide to bring her attention elsewhere, but not too far away so it won't be suspicious. "Even if I had someone, I wouldn't know how to show my feelings."

"I think affection shows in the small things. The daily talks, the secret looks...even in the smallest touch. Still, it's _after_ you're married that you can properly show them." I think I know what she means, but I'm not convinced I understand. She must notice this, because she rolls her eyes and continues. "Turn around and close your eyes". I raise my eyebrows in surprise; I don't know what she's trying to achieve. "Trust me", she says, and the look she gives me more than enough for me.

I sit exactly where I am, but with my back to her. I close my eyes and I notice my breathing is heavier, expectant. I feel one of her hands softly touching my waist as the other moves my hair to the side, exposing my neck, where I can feel her warm breath. My heart is beating fast and I can feel it moving in my chest, giving a jump every time she moves. Suddenly, I feel her lips pressing against my shoulder and my neck, kissing me and occasionally biting me, and I hate that I enjoy it so much. She moves slowly, her soft lips touching every bit of skin as her hand finds its way underneath my chemise, caressing my tight, getting closer and closer to where I need it the most.

I can't think of anything other than Amy and the things she makes me feel. My eyes are closed but I can still see her kissing me. And I don't want her to stop.

Her hand keeps going up, and when it reaches my waist I open my eyes, a gasp escaping my mouth and making her stop. I turn to look at her; her green eyes look darker than they did before. She's still very close to me, and I can't stop my eyes from glancing at those soft lips. I look into her eyes quickly before sweetly pressing my lips to hers.

She looks at me wide-eyed when we separate. I'm suddenly aware of the situation and what I've done. The tears are coming, and after a minute of silence, Amy tells me with a hand on my cheek and a smile that it's fine, that no one has to know what we did -what _I_ did.

"Just leave. Please" I'm not looking at her; I just stare at the wall trying to keep the tears in my eyes. She gets up, whispering goodnight to my ear and kissing my cheek before leaving the room.

As soon as I hear the door closing, I curl up in my bed, not bothering with stopping the tears. Why does she have to make it so difficult for me to stay focused on what I must do, on who I must be? Why do I have to like her so much? There's no salvation left for me; no matter how much I pray or try, I can't get Amy away from my mind. Even if there is no God to judge me, and no one ever finds out, I know I won't ever be happy. How could I ever be so without Amy?, and it is obvious that I can't have her.


	3. Chapter 3

Had time to update this week yayyy! I've almost finished writing the story, so expect another update next weekend. Hope you like!

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><p>The ball's tonight. Happy birthday, mum. If you really are looking after me from above, you're probably ashamed of my behaviour. I'm so sorry for disappointing you. I hate myself for it, but it's stronger than I am.<p>

I tried to avoid Amy all day, but it was hard to come up with excuses that wouldn't mean I'd have to miss the ball. When my father came into my room, asking if I was feeling alright, I told him I was just a little sad about it being mum's birthday. He believed it, and even hugged me trying to provide some comfort. At least he tries.

I put on my dress, a beautiful light-green gown, and sit to get my hair done. It's up, of course, in a simple bun but decorated with some small white flowers. I fake-smile at my reflection. Time to put on a show.

I don't leave my room until it's strictly necessary, and by the time I make it to the ballroom, my cousin is already there waiting for me. Amy is nowhere to be seen yet.

"Clara, you look beautiful. Just like your mother", my father says after kissing my hand.

Edmund bows, a huge smile on his face. "You look very pretty indeed, Miss Oswald." My father gives us some privacy, and I have to stop myself from begging him to stay.

"Please, Edmund, how many times do I have to tell you to just call me Clara? We're family." I smile, knowing what his next words are going to be.

"I'm sorry. Clara. I was hoping you would save me the first dance. If you don't have any previous engagements, of course."

According to the rules of society, I can't refuse his invitation. "I would like that very much", I lie. I tell him I have to receive the guests and leave, trying to hide the fact that I want to run away.

The guests start coming in and the room starts to fill. Everyone is engaged in a conversation, drinking or eating, or a combination of the three. I walk around the room, greeting everyone but not stopping long with any of the groups. No matter how hard I try to get distracted, my thoughts always return to Amy. Why isn't she here yet? I feel so lost in the crowd, I could use a friend. Even if I kissed that friend in circumstances best not mentioned.

It's almost time for the first dance and Edmund finds me to get to our places. There are lots of eyes on me and my partner, but I try to push it aside.

Just before the music starts, another couple stands next to us. The man next to Edmund is a soldier that I don't recognise, but the girl next to me...I don't even have to look. The scent is the same one that enveloped me when her lips touched my bare skin. I feel a warmth inside me while remembering it and at the same time I feel rage that she's dancing with this soldier. Who is he? What does he have that makes him special? It certainly isn't his blonde hair, I hope. I have to admit the uniform is attractive, but I could get one and wear it if she wants me to.

The dance starts and the steps put us facing each other sometimes, but I try to stay focused on Edmund. He says something to me but I wasn't paying attention, so he has to say it again.

"I have thought of you many times since the last time we met." I smile, pretending I'm not looking at the couple next to us through the corner of my eye. "I looked forward to seeing you again eagerly."

"I am very pleased to see you again too, cousin." Is she laughing? What did he say to her?

"My father is very interested in doing business with your father. He was kind enough to send me to take care of the negotiation." Oh, this is just brilliant. I'm stuck with a man who isn't just interested in making me his wife but also has nothing better to say than to discuss work.

"How...interesting. I am glad to hear your father can lay such trust on you."

"Actually, I think he did it because he knew I was hoping to see you." He keeps talking but I stop listening. I can't stay strong long enough not to look at her. I see her smile and laugh, but she isn't giving the blonde soldier her full attention. She glances at me when she thinks he won't notice, and when our eyes meet I blush and look away.

Once the dance is over, I leave Edmund and find some wine. I stay at a deserted balcony looking at the night sky. The stars have always intrigued me.

"What do you think is out there?"

It's her. Of course it's her.

I keep looking up as I'm still afraid of looking into those green eyes.

"Adventure. Just like there is here, but bigger."

She's looking at me. I'm not quite sure of what she wants. "It sounds fantastic. We should go. Built a ship that can sail through the sky and see everything." I laugh. That imagination is what made me like her so much in the first place.

When silence becomes too much to be comfortable with it, I decide to finally face her. "What is it that you want, Amy?"

"I miss you. You've been hiding the whole day and I miss talking to you. You're the only real friend I've ever had."

I don't know why I feel so upset all of the sudden. "Is that what we are now? Friends?"

"You kissed me!" I shush her; we can't be heard. "You kissed me and then you told me to leave. And don't tell me it was nothing because to me it didn't feel like nothing." I look away, trying to clear my thoughts. She stands one step closer to me and we are suddenly mere inches away. "Does this feel like nothing to you?" She looks down at me and I don't look up because I know I'll kiss her again if I do. It's there, whatever it is, I can feel it too. My body catches up with the situation before I do.

I grab her arm and drag her to the empty library, closing the door behind me. I'm in such a rush I don't even try to go unnoticed. She looks surprised, but doesn't even have time to run away because I push her against a book shelf and kiss her, more desperately than I did last night. I keep my mind blank so I don't give myself the chance to feel guilty about what I'm doing.

I lean back to breathe and I see her staring at me. I can tell she's thinking of a reaction, and I wait for it impatiently, breathing heavily. I realise now that her yellow dress, her beautiful hair and her white skin make her look like a porcelain doll. One I'm afraid to break.

Her right hand finds its way to my cheek shyly, as if her touch could hurt me. Unexpectedly, I find tears gathering in her eyes.

"Don't ever push me away again. Please."

I smile, feeling calmed. "I won't. I promise."

We stay together for the rest of the ball. We talk, we drink -not enough to make fools of ourselves, but at least I'm feeling a bit more confident-, and we try pretty much every dessert we can find. It's hard for me not to clean her lips with mines when she gets cream on her mouth. We dance with the men who ask us but always look at each other through the dances with the knowing looks we know no one else notices. Edmund approaches us trying to talk to me, but we're so busy with each other than he quickly excuses himself and leaves us, noticing I only have time for my 'friend' tonight. I don't think I've ever been more grateful for anything in my life, and Amy must notice this.

"Well, Miss Oswald, would it be reasonable to assume you are being considered to become the next Duchess of Newcastle?"

"Unfortunately, I am. I might start next week engaged, for all I know."

"I see...so you have a very important couple of days ahead of you, then. What are you going to do in your last days as a free woman?" She looks down at me, and she has that same smile she had when she asked me to turn around yesterday in my room.

"I have a very good idea."

When all the guests are gone it's already dawn, but we go upstairs to sleep for a few hours. We stand in front of her bedroom door and we're both smiling. I'm so happy we can be together again...it feels like nothing else matters anymore.

I steal a quick kiss before leaving. "Goodnight, Miss Pond." She giggles but promptly moves away in case anyone is around.

"Sweet dreams, Clara."


	4. Chapter 4

One of the maids wakes me up before lunch. When I exit my room, I find another maid unsuccessfully trying to wake Amy. I tell her to carry on with her duties and let me take care of her. Once she's gone, I open the door and close it behind me after I step in. I look at Amy's sleeping form. She is truly the most beautiful creature I have ever encountered.

I tug her hair away from her face, and she responds to my touch. I lower my body and kiss her softly, hoping that will be enough to wake her. She opens her eyes slowly and smiles.

"Good morning", I tell her. "They're calling us for lunch. Are you hungry?"

"I'm starving. Allow me to get dressed and I'll join you in a minute." I kiss her again and leave the room, keeping to myself that I would rather stay and _help_ her with her clothes.

After lunch, everyone heads to the drawing room to spend the afternoon. I excuse myself, saying I will walk to the river and throwing Amy a look. She takes the hint and asks to join me, fortunately before Edmund gets a chance to do the same. Lady Desmond looks at both of us before we exit the room, but I'm not sure what she is thinking.

It doesn't take us long to reach my secret hiding spot I've had since I was a child. The conversation is light for quite some time, but after almost an hour of laying on the grass near the river, Amy takes a moment of silence to speak.

"What do you think we should do?" I look at her, not sure of what she's talking about. "About us. About this." She leans closer and kisses me lightly. I blush when we separate and again I find her on the verge of tears. I had no idea this would be so difficult for her; I had assumed that since she had started it in my room and she had come to me at the ball she would be at ease with what was happening between us. Apparently, I was wrong. "I think I'm in love with you", she says, almost a whisper.

I can't see her this way; she is upset and I just want to see her smile again. I place my hand on her cheek, and she looks at me. "I think I'm in love with you, too". She giggles and I feel relieved, so I kiss her again. It feels like I can't have enough of her lips, and I just want more. "I'll be fine with whatever you want to do." We don't have much time left, though; of course I would rather keep her with me for the rest of my life, but there's nothing I can do to stop her from going back home.

"Even if I say that I want to be yours? That I don't care about consequences and I just want you?" Her hand goes around my waist and suddenly we are holding each other tight. I want so desperately to say yes, to tell her to come to my room tonight and show her how much I love her. But I can't; she isn't thinking straight right now and I feel like if I give her what she wants she'll regret it afterwards.

"Amy, I can't let you do that. If we take that step we won't be able to take it back. You really don't want that." It hurts to say it as much as it does to see her listening to my words.

She stands up, looking at me with rage in her eyes. "I can't believe you're doing this. I can't believe _you_ too are telling me what to do." She starts the way back, and I try to stop her but she doesn't listen to me.

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><p>She doesn't come down for dinner. I barely speak, as I can't stop replaying the scene in my head. I feel terrible for having to hurt her, but I'm also protecting her from herself.<p>

After dinner, Sir Arthur and Lady Desmond excuse themselves, leaving me alone with Edmund and my father. I miss Amy so much.

I sit at the piano in the drawing room and start to play while the men are still in the dining room. I know, I said I hated playing the piano, and I do, but my father always insists on it. I don't notice when Edmund enters the room and stands next to me until he speaks.

"You play really well", he says.

I blush, knowing he isn't really admiring my skills. "Thank you, cousin, but I'm afraid you're too kind."

He gives me one of his dashing smiles that conquer everyone's hearts. Well, everyone's except mine. "Clara, there's a matter I had been hoping to discuss with you." I stop playing, praying that this isn't what I think it is. "We have known each other since we were children. I have seen you become a woman. A bright and beautiful woman. I believe you deserve the deepest and most honest affection any man can provide. That being said..." He kneels in front of me, holding one of my hands in between his, and I just want to run away. "Clara, would you do me the great honour of becoming my wife?"


	5. Chapter 5

My eyes must be wider than ever right now. I knew it was coming and yet I wasn't prepared for it. I must look very scared, I can't even put on a fake smile. I look up and notice my father watching the scene from the beneath the doorframe. He smiles encouragingly, and I know I have no choice. I would do anything to make him happy.

I concentrate on Edmund and try to sound as joyful as I can. "Yes. That would make me very happy." He looks so glad I accepted, it almost breaks my heart that it's a lie. But I can't think about that right now. There is only one thing I want to do. "Now, it has been a most tiring evening. If you'll excuse me." I stand up and head for the stairs, but my father stops me before I can run. He takes my hand and kisses my forehead.

"I'm very proud of you, Clara. And your mother would feel the same." I nod and smile, making an enormous effort to hold back the tears I feel are gathering in my eyes. He lets go of my hand and I rush upstairs, straight for the door next to mine.

I knock and wait for her to open. When she does, she doesn't look like she's been crying, but she seems very upset. Still, I choose to ignore all that and kiss Amy on the spot. It's the strongest kiss we have ever shared, and she instantly pulls me into the room and closes the door. I turn us around and push her against the door, my hands untying her dress. She looks so beautiful in the light of the candles.

As soon as she gets the chance, she stops me to get answers. "Wait, Clara, why- What's-...What made you change your mind?"

I answer with another question because I don't have time to explain. "Do you love me?"

"Yes. More than I have ever loved anything in my life."

"Then what are you waiting for?"

She kisses me and I don't hold anything back. I love her as if my life were to end the next day, which could unfortunately be quite true. Any consequences that this might have, they are worth it, because if I have to be unhappy for the rest of my life then at least I'll have something good to remember. I love her, and I will always love her.

But I don't want to think about any of that now. I don't care about Edmund, I don't care about my father, I don't care about who I am. Right now everything is about Amy and how much I love her. So I just keep kissing and touching and loving every inch of her body until she falls asleep.

I don't want to stay awake. Staying awake means thinking , and that's the one thing I don't need to be doing, so I watch her sleep until I can't keep my eyes open anymore.

For some strange reason, I wake up right before dawn. Maybe I do have a guardian angel that doesn't hate me for being like this. I put on my chemise and kiss Amy's sleeping form before sneaking out of the room. I softly open my door but a voice stops me before I can get in.

"Miss Oswald". I suppose everything was going too well. I turn and find Lady Desmond by the door to her room. Something tells me she has been waiting for me, and she certainly looks like she hasn't slept.

"Lady Desmond! Is everything alright? It's still quite early, but I can call one of the girls if you need-"

"It's alright, child. Don't trouble yourself. What I would like to know is why you were in my niece's room." She walks towards me as she speaks, and I have to admit that I find her quite threatening.

"Oh, uhm...We...we were just chatting and we fell asleep. I just woke up, thought it would be better to return to my own room." I smile at her, trying my best to look honest.

"And what was so important that couldn't wait until morning? Amelia was unwell yesterday."

"I'm engaged. To Lord Edmund." I hate that I can't think of anything better to say. "And I wanted to see if she was feeling better, of course."

"I see. Congratulations, then. I'm sure you will be very happy."

The bright side of having to put on a false smile so much is that I keep getting better at it; and taking into account that I'll have to pretend to be happy for the rest of my life, I need all the practice I can get.

I intend to end the conversation and hide in my room, so I open the door completely and step half the way in. However, before I get to say anything to make her leave, Lady Desmond speaks again.

"Clara, I have known you since you were a child. I admire your ability to make it look like you are in control of every situation, but I know you are not telling me the truth. The nature of what you have been doing with Amelia only concerns you and God, however I cannot let rumours keep her from a good marriage. We are leaving as soon as we can and you will not, in any way communicate, with her ever again. Be sensible for your well being, if not for Amelia's."

She doesn't even let me answer; she just goes back to her room and disappears behind the door.

I can't stay in my room, I need to breathe. I put on my dressing gown and exit the house to sit by the river. Knowing here no one will find me, I let myself cry. I cry because I'm getting married to someone I don't love, because I can't have the person I do love, because I miss my mum and I need her. I lay on the grass and close my eyes remembering the feeling of Amy's arms around me. For a second I feel warmer, even though it's cold. I lose track of the time that passes.

"Clara?"

I don't open my eyes instantly, mistaking her voice for a dream. It's not until the second time she calls me that I stand up and find Amy running towards me with tears in her eyes.

"Clara, she's taking me away and I can't-"

I wrap my arms around her neck, pulling her close. I fail to stop the tears in my own eyes. "Shhh, it's alright. It's alright." I try to calm her running my fingers through her hair.

She pulls back and our eyes meet. "She said you're getting married; that Lord Edmund proposed to you last night."

I think about lying for a second, but decide I can't do that to her. I look down because there's nothing I can say to make it better.

"So when you came to my room you were engaged already. And you didn't say anything."

I don't want to disappoint her again. "Let's not do this. I am sorry I kept it from you, but none of this was unexpected."

All of the sudden, Amy kisses me. "I love you. Can you promise you will remember that?"

"Only if you promise to remember that I love you." She nods and I kiss her again. I understand now that love is one of the cruelest things one can experience in life. It brings happiness and excitement, but it ends in pain and suffering and in the process of doing so you hurt the person you love. Love leaves a scar and makes sure you can't ever love again.

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><p>I hug her at the main entrance before she enters the carriage, and Lady Desmond has to indulge it. Maybe she understands we have suffered enough. However, we are both strong, and we don't let anyone see us cry.<p>

As the carriage disappears, I can't stop myself from wishing I get the chance to see her again.


	6. Epilogue

Present because I've officially finished with finals! I hope you've enjoyed this story, even if it made you shed a tear (I hope it did, I cried writing this). See you next time!

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><p>It's been eight years since the last time I saw her. I'm sure of it, because I think about her every day, even if it's just for a few minutes right before falling asleep. I have to thank God for my children; before them I used to think about her all the time, and let me tell you, time and distance didn't make it any less painful.<p>

Being Edmund's wife isn't a dreadful experience. He is a good man and a wonderful father, even if he has to spend some time away from us for businesses. He is kind to me and certainly loves me very much. I have learnt to love him too; not in the passionate way I loved her, but at least as my most dear friend. I suppose you could say I'm almost happy.

Edmund never pushes me to make love, but right after we do is when I miss her the most. I don't get the feeling that I'm being deceitful I got in my first year of being married anymore. I used to feel as if I were betraying her, but then I understood I'm just doing my duty. In any case, I'm betraying Edmund more because he doesn't know he isn't my first. I managed to keep my feelings away from our bed quite effectively, until the night he kissed a particular spot on my neck that until then had only been kissed by her. He must have gotten the impression that I enjoyed it, because now he does it every time. I can't stop my eyes from closing and for a second I pretend it's her again. When he falls asleep I cry, hoping sleep claims me soon and gives me a dream about her.

I often wonder if she ever thinks about me. At that time we really were in love, but maybe she moved on and forgot about me. Maybe it was just her curiosity that got her to set her eyes on me and she mistook it for love. I suppose it's one of the things I will never know. Fortunately, being a mother doesn't leave much time for thinking.

Apart from my own fears surrounding birth giving, having our first child -Edmund, named after his father and grandfather- didn't have any complications.

The hardest time was after I gave birth to our second child, Anna. As soon as I learnt she was a girl, I realised she could have to go through the same things I had gone through. She could fall in love with someone she shouldn't and suffer. My boy would choose his bride, but Anna wouldn't be as lucky; and I would have to teach her to always choose duty over her feelings. Of course, I couldn't tell any of this to Edmund, but he knew something wasn't right. I don't think he ever understood, but still he comforted me until I convinced myself that it was too early to be worried about Anna's marriage; there is a chance she loves someone she can marry.

That was when I completely stopped blaming Edmund for my pain. It wasn't his fault that I loved someone else, it was mine. Three days after she was born, I told him that I love him for the first time.

Two years ago, I had little David -named after my father. Being a mother is my favourite role. I read to them, I tell them stories and teach them what I can. More than anything, I love them and make sure they know that.

Right now, I'm getting ready for a ball. But not just any ball; the largest ball of the season, offered by my mother-in-law, the Duchess of Newcastle, also known as my aunt Lydia. I don't want to say that I don't like her but...let's just say that I'm not particularly fond of the fact that she took it on herself to plan my life ever since my mother died.

I remember how scared I was before my first ball here. It was just a few months after the wedding; Edmund came looking for me and I begged him to say I was unwell and let me stay in our room. He looked down at me and laughed, to which I got upset. He held me in his arms and said I was adorable, and that I had nothing to worry about because everyone would see why he loved me so much. He kissed me and we ended up in bed, arriving late to the ball and upsetting his mother. I'm quite certain that's how I first got pregnant.

This time I have no reason to be frightened; I have been through this plenty of times. The only thing in my mind is David. He is very attached to me and he doesn't like it when I leave before he goes to bed.

I meet Edmund before entering the ballroom. "You look beautiful", he says and gives me that proud smile of his. I'm glad I have him and not some other man.

I stay with Edmund while he chats with a Colonel and other soldiers. I should go and talk to women, but I couldn't be less interested in whatever my aunt's friends could possibly say, so I choose to discuss politics.

A couple of hours into the ball, Colonel MacDonald calls in a blond soldier that just passed by us. "There you are, Captain! I have wanted to introduce you to Lord Edmund and his wife. Speaking of wives, where's yours?"

"I was just looking for her; I think she's over there." He points towards a table and then turns to shake Edmund's hand. "Captain Williams, pleasure to meet you."

He talks but I only hear a faint sound. It's almost as if the entire room around me vanished, because when I look at the table a see ginger hair and white skin. I see a face that hasn't aged a day but still looks older, more mature.

I see Amy.

I must be too lost in her, because I don't realise I drop the glass I was holding. Edmund holds me immediately, looking worried. "Clara, are you alright? You look like you have seen a ghost."

"I think I did". The words come out of me before I can stop them. I become aware of my situation again. "Sorry, I think I just need some air."

Edmund offers to come with me, but I tell him to stay. My ghost moves and I follow it discretely. She walks to an empty part of the maze in the garden, a glade with a fountain in the middle. I call her name, and it feels strange to say it out loud again after all this years.

"Amy?"

She finally looks at me and we stare at each other for a few seconds, as if we were trying to convince ourselves that the other was right there. I feel tears coming to my eyes and I see the same in her. Eventually, I can't take it anymore and run towards her, instantly throwing my arms around her neck.

"I can't believe you're here", she says, her voice weak. "I thought I would never see you again."

"I never stopped hoping", I say forcing myself not to cry. I let her go and look into her green eyes. I had no idea how much I missed them. The silence between us is filled with unspoken words. All this time just wanting her and now that she is in front of me I don't know what to say.

"So…", she begins, brushing a single tear off her face. "How is...uhm...Lord Edmund, wasn't it?"

"He is fine, thank you. Well, married to me, but fine." We laugh and for a moment it feels as if no time has passed. "I suppose you're Mrs Amelia Williams now. It's a shame; I liked Pond", I joke.

"Oh, you have met Rory?" I nod, and she continues. "I met him at your father's house, right after I met you. I met him again after that, of course; he served with my uncle. We have been married for seven years."

I can't say I remember much of that ball that isn't her, but with some effort I faintly recall the blond soldier that danced with her that night.

The new silence is quite uncomfortable, because I'm thinking of asking a question I'm afraid to ask. Finally I decide to gather courage and be brave.

"Amy, can I ask you someth-"

"It's moving! Look!", she says excitedly, eyes widened, and promptly takes my hand and presses it against her abdomen. "Can you feel it?"

I don't know why it shocks me so much. Maybe it's because our lives away from each other suddenly feel too real. "You're expecting?"

She nods with a huge smile. "It's our first. Or it will be, if I can get it out alive this time." I think about my children and I can't imagine what it would be like to lose one of them. I become filled with sadness for what she had to go through. She doesn't seem to want to talk about it anymore. "Do you have any?"

"I have three. Edmund, Anna and David." I can't stop myself from smiling when I think about them; it has always been this way.

"You must be a great mother." She says it so lovingly that it makes me think about my question again. I realise I'm still very close to her, and that her hand it's still pressing mine to her. I look down, but before I can move she stops me. "I wish this could have been us." I look into her eyes, trying to figure out what she means. "I wish we could have been together, expecting our baby, living...the way it should have been."

Tears are gathering in my eyes again, but I manage to hold them back. "I never stopped loving you", I say instead of my question. "I still miss you every day."

"Oh, Clara...", she starts with tears running down her cheeks, but I kiss her before she can say anything else. I kiss her for all the times I have wanted to kiss her in the past eight years, for all the words I can't say.

We keep our foreheads pressed together, and when we separate she places a hand on my face and passes her thumb over the fallen tears. We look into each other's eyes, but say nothing.

In the distance, a masculine voice interrupts the silent night, calling Amy's name.

"That's Rory", she says. "Time to say goodbye, I suppose."

"Come back tomorrow", I say quickly, wanting to have as much of her as I can.

"I can't. Clara, can't you see we would only hurt each other? As long as we have hope we won't move on. We can't afford that, can we?"

She is right and I hate it. I hate that I love her and that nothing can ease the pain of losing her again. "Promise me you will love me forever", is the only thing I can say.

"I promise." She smiles and plants a long, sweet kiss to my lips. "Goodbye, my Clara."

She leaves and I hope she heard me when I said "I love you" as a response.

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><p>Amy was right; the pain is stronger than it used to be. But I don't regret finding her.<p>

I never saw her again, but I never stopped thinking about her or needing her. I never stopped loving her because she left a deep mark in my heart, and scars like that are impossible to erase.


End file.
